The Year That Was

When you know you have given in your best in the little and big jobs of life. When you know you have loved from the bottom of your heart. When you know you have brought that smile to people’s face. When you know you have been fearless to change- On a December evening you can say- It has been a good year!

Every year begins with hope. Hope to make “this one” perfect. Hope to fulfill all the pending dreams. Hope to love and be loved. Hope to do something that when you sit and sip your tea in your garden 40 years down the line- you are able to say, “oh my! what a year that was!” Hope to live and not to survive.  

We often end up measuring our success in a year as compared to the others. Nothing is wrong in that. It works differently for different people.  But we tend to forget that no two people are alike. No two people can have the same goals. No two destinations can be the same. For me, may be, being myself and finding myself is success. For you, may be, climbing that mountain you drew in your childhood, is success. 

Without setting any ground rules defining what a “good year” is, through only looking back and looking within, I say, 2014 was good. With ups and downs, from losing yourself to then finding again. With sad songs playing inside the head to tapping your feet to the happy ones. With loving and saying, to believing and crying. To giggling and breaking a back. To seeing the Devi’s face in Calcutta to seeing Mona Lisa smile in Paris. From Valentine’s Day to Christmas, from Holi to Diwali, from River Hooghly to River Seine, the year floated by gracefully.

The year that was and is, said one thing to me- “Be honest to yourself. You can fool everyone, except yourself!” The year also said, “Do everything from the deepest center of your heart!” If you love, love without threats, if you sing, sing without the fear of being judged, if you laugh, believe that your laughter lights up the world- that is when you become Beautiful. That is when you become special. With another bag full of hope, in anticipation, I eagerly await the Year That Will Be. 

That familiar world...

It is raining heavily today like that day. It is dark and pretty at the same time, just like that day. I crossed the road with my umbrella as you waited on the other side, slightly shivering in the uncanny cold that the rains bring along. You looked at me and gave your best smile and said, “I knew you would come. Oh, and you’ve got a nice hairstyle today!”

Years have gone by and I have re-visited the night several times in my head. Years have gone by but that smile is fresh in my mind. I remember that I smiled back and held on to your hand like it was the last night I was living.

Do I prefer walking along the familiar zone? Am I scared to tread the path unknown? Do I keep looking for the familiar time spent years back? Have a become comfortable thinking I know how to be in a situation like that?

Every time I map and align my pattern with people and situations which look the same. From one known space I jump to the other known space because I feel that with time I have gained maturity and I know how to deal with it better. Unfair. Unfair to me and all those people around me.  

Most of the times, I think I am there, but deep down I know it’s a measured mechanism I have mastered since those days. Something has been stopping me from breaking the chain. Something has been stopping me from breaking the pattern. For the familiar world to dissolve, I need to let go. Good things and good people are all around. Measured life doesn’t do any good to any one. New stories are to be written with a vision of the future and not on dry leaves kept carefully between the pages of a finished book. 

It's About Us

You say let us write a story about us,
The ‘us’ which you and I only know.
You say let the world read about us,
The ‘us’ which is a part of your imagination and a part of mine.


You say what was created is meant forever,
But what about time which dies and decays?
You say we lived it then, we will live it forever,
But what about the era which separates love?


You say let us live it one more time,
And I say, what after that.
You say let love not suffer,
And I say, what about ‘us?’ 

How Much You Mean to Me

In times of happiness and grief, we are together. We spend our evenings together, have meals together, plan for tomorrow together, we dance, and make merry together. But do we turn around and tell the person how much they mean to us? The way we take the rising sun for granted, the way we take the air we breathe in for granted, the way we take the chirping of birds for granted, we take people who love us for granted as well.

How many times have we told that friend that she means the world to us? How many times did we let go off our inhibitions and ego and have told that one person that he means the world? Seldom. Most of the times we are afraid. We are afraid of being judged, we are very afraid of not making sense. And, we are afraid of our own thoughts. And who suffers in this bargain? Time. Time slips off. Years later we look back and think, what if I made sense that time, what if I told her that she made me smile each time I saw her. What if I had told Mom that coming back home at night and having dinner with her meant the world to me! What if I told Dad that each time he came back from his trips, brightened up my day!

We have been victims of our past, present, and future many a times. At times our wounds are too deep to let go off them and see the love and warmth around. Sometimes our dragon sized egos don't let us think beyond and be vulnerable to tell that person that life wouldn't be the same without her/him. In this running between time, in this running between past and present, people go far away. So far away that we don't even know how to bridge the gap and finally tell them that they meant the world to us. Seize the moment and take the plunge. Nobody becomes small. Nobody gets hurt. 

Far and Near

Many a times I let go off things easily. Many a times I take conscious efforts to push back things to the rear end of my memory so that we all can co-exist peacefully. And then there are times I want to let go, but where, I don’t know!

Over time I have grown up to be a much distanced person. I am otherwise very amiable and affable but I make too many boundaries. Boundaries which I myself cannot climb and cross. Often times I run away from things and people who seem to be around cause in my head I cannot explain the closeness. And at times, with the heart of a child, I crumble. I crumble when there is a lot I want to say but cannot put across what is going on in my head.

This time around it looks like I don’t have a plan of action. With every passing day, the need for a plan is increasing. With every passing day, the need for a pair of wings is increasing. I am getting there- but the flight will happen eventually and I know it is going to be a magnificent one. 

Boundless

How often have you loved and loved deeply? How often have you have had the courage to face what you feel? How often have you denied your heart because you have either been scared, uncertain, vague, and selfish? 

It is said nine out of 10 people live in guilt, dishonesty, and selfishness. It is also said 9 out of 10 people try and be nice, compassionate, have faith in humanity, and love limitlessly. We humans are always looking for love. We crave for it when we don’t have it, ridicule it when we have it, and be guilty when we can’t do anything about it.

It has always been said that it becomes a lot easier if the heart and mind are aligned. Ernst Hemmingway had once said, “The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.” It makes me wonder, why do we have the best people making the effort and then dying a silent death! That’s how it works? Now it falls into context what I read somewhere the other day, “You are so brave and quiet, I often forget you are suffering.”

Quite often you put in your heart and soul, quite often you are sure, but then it just hits the wall. But then you have to be the one who should put up a brave front. But then you have to write a new story with a different pen name, cause people around never understood the dust you are made of. Cause people around could just sit and talk about your fears and shortcomings. Cause people around never got to see the you which you hold deep inside.

Now if it has to be an end of a journey. Let’s end this one gloriously and proudly, cause you never left the side of depth, purity, and your heart. The journey could have been worse, you could have written a more poignant prose, but then there is warmth in your existence, there is faith in your survival.

Of memories and stories…

I thought that I have managed to push you back in the mind, far far away. I thought, stories of us, stories of the summers, stories of the songs, they don’t matter anymore. I thought few people leave your lives for a reason. But with you, I have always been proved wrong. With you, the universe has always conspired to prove me wrong. Just when I think, probably now the leaf is way behind in the book between the two pages, you walk up to me and ask me to wake up.

Just when the birds start singing a different tune, just when the water flowing by in the stream starts looking prettier, you, holding the seashells from the forgotten seaside, swim out with them, asking me to walk back one more time.

Time has not made me wiser. You can say, with the same face, heart, and mind, I have been making and creating newer memories. Few fulfilled wishes, and few more unfulfilled desires. The journey has been enriching. Just when I was thinking, I am ready to write new poems, new lyrics, new anecdotes, to mark a new beginning, you come galloping to either wish me luck or tell me- let’s not pretend any more. 

Let’s keep it simple

When was the last time you sat by yourself with that cup of coffee and just looked out of the window? Just looked out without thinking of yesterday, today, or tomorrow? When was the last time you stopped to pick up a flower and smell the beauty? When was the last time you smiled at yourself for what you are?

We are running all the time. We are running out of time all the time! Ok, let’s make this a little more personal. My mind is always running between, over and for things. At times it has some direction and at other times, it ducks, sprints, jumps, and swims. Most of the times, thoughts become a complex web of unhappy spiders crawling all over the place.

But on the other side I strongly and warmly believe that keeping it simple isn’t that difficult after all. How difficult is it to sing a tune you like, a little louder than usual? How tough is it telling your friend that he brightens up the day by just showing up? How painstaking is it to tell your mom that she means the world for you? We have got so used to creating complexities inside and outside our heads that we just let the best moments of our lives pass by without smiling at them. We do all the unnecessary thinking and futile brain storming and close our eyes to the best people and hearts floating around us. What adds to the agony is of course the King of Bad Times- the Ego! We let it ride us into darkness, into storms, and into confusions.

The lack of simplicity seeps into our everyday lives. We take situations and people who love us, for granted. In the whole bargain “love” suffers the most. It is questioned with complex situations and people all the time. Receiving and giving simple “love” doesn’t exist anymore. Reasons are many. We have too many people to care for us, we have too many times relied on false promises, we have too many times let others decide the right and wrong for us.

We have always made things complicated for ourselves. We are determined to see the world through tainted glasses. We are scared all the time- at times scared of our own thoughts, at times of the past, and at times scared of the unknown. We love romancing the complex. We don’t let go and embrace ourselves. In short, we don’t love ourselves too much to keep it simple. 

A Walk in Time

All of a sudden I feel I have regressed in time,

All of a sudden I feel I am here to tell the unfinished story.

They say you can't make two mud vessels look exactly the same,

They say time moves forward and it always has a plan.

Don’t we all know five, seven, and 10 years just add cobwebs to time?

Don’t we all know there is nothing like “the elixir to suppress the pores?”

Last night just before I fell asleep, I grew restless thinking of re-occurrence of events.

Last night just before I fell asleep, I had a vision.

Over the years, I have grown up to have a distanced, closed, yet a cheerful existence.

Over the years, I have been strong, weak, helpless, clueless, and happy at the same time.

Last night, till the time I remember, I think I told myself, this time breathe for yourself!

Last night, just before the winter breeze put me to sleep, I told myself, this time live it for yourself.